Posted April 8, 2010 at 10:10pm
The demons within
The promotion of that terrible feeling within me that I had earlier blogged about had gotten me into some serious trouble before dinner tonight. There was something that I made the choice to ask that I probably shouldn’t have asked and therefore, I opened the door up to my feelings that I should’ve noted were beyond that if an over-reactive mind.
I think the fact that I asked the question allowed me to actually, finally, understand that I may have some serious insecurity issues that I may need to address by myself, away from the pressures of my relationship - with a man who is more than capable of making me feel fantastic.
He basically said to me that there was no point us continuing down the road if I couldn’t actually allow myself to think there was nothing wrong in our partnership. I have to get over these feelings but I’m not too sure if I’m able to overnight. I came out and said that perhaps I am able to convince myself that I don’t deserve what I’ve got and therefore find myself sabotaging everything good I’ve got - perhaps that’s why I’m so reserved?
Whatever the reason, I need to stop. I need to stop convincing myself that I don’t deserve to be happy, because I do! If I keep doing this, I’m going to be wrecking it for myself and not only that, I will push away a person that I’m desperately trying to bring closer to me.
And for the record, it was his sister…..
xA
Posted April 3, 2010 at 11:16am
Holy spirit
It seems that the Easter break in Australia - or around the world - has provided some with the excuse to not spend their lives on Tumblr or cruising the world-wide-web for images to upload, via Tumblr. I’ve noticed this because there seems to be a serious lack of uploads from those I follow - and I love it!
I love it because it actually gives me a chance to browse all the wonderful images, sayings, videos, re-blogs that all of my favourite bloggers upload. I feel like I know some of these people via their daily uploads and although we may be a million worlds away from each other, its nice to know that out there, somewhere, you are connecting with someone who seems to have the exact same concept upon life as you do.
That’s a relatively deep thought from someone who is not at all religious other than the fact I was baptised and for someone who is ultimately, a hardened pessimist. I find it so easy to think there’s ‘something better out there’ when I log onto Tumblr and view all the millions of inspirational uploads from people I don’t even know.
I’m writing this from the comfort of Davy’s bed. Another topic I haven’t touched on in a while is that relationship of mine… Perhaps its this time of year when you’re able to have four, scheduled days off work, where you sleep in and relax and actually think about what life is offering you and what you’re actually taking from it.
There’s that terrible feeling of where your tummy flips and your heart races - not butterflies or nervousness, just that sinking bad feeling. Usually, my gut has never let me down but this time, I’m not too sure if I want to face that feeling. It’s been apparent for over a week now and I’m just hoping its a passing nothingness that will soon be forgotten, a week from now.
But the question is still begging to be asked, so do I take the leap? Do I really want to delve into something that I don’t want to hear, or am I just convincing myself that there is something wrong as I’m so used to that in my past?
Maybe its time for me to start having faith. Time to start finding something I believe in.
xA
Posted April 2, 2010 at 9:38pm
